Oh Harrissa, you jilt me so! You break my heart! However, pain is good.
Though I do understand that a diva of your stature needs an Executive Assistant to reply to all of your emails. I imagine your days are busy, filled with photoshoots, trips to exotic locations to test and ensure product quality, and supervising of the batches of your sauces.
Or maybe you already have a special someone. Lucky guy. He must keep welding gloves and a glass of milk nearby to protect himself from your hot and spicy ways.
Feel free to post my letter on your fansite. More people need to understand how special you truly are.
I am most pleased at the offer of the tshirt with the picture of you and your sisters. I will cherish it and wear it often, gazing upon you. If you haven't guessed already I visit your gift shop on a somewhat regular basis. As such, I hope to stop by your gift shop within the next week. Hopefully you'll be there too.
If you ever come to a point where you are available, or you need somebody, and would consider hooking up with a local guy? I'm only an email away.
Keep up the good work,
Friday, May 30, 2008
To: Jalapeno Harrissa of Original Juan's, Kansas City, Kansas
Dear Jalapeno Harrissa,
Oh, what you do for me. You are spicy, piquant, and yes, even ZESTY; but never caustic or mordacious. That magic that you have bottled up, abounds and pours out of you. When you are around, you bring life to the party. The Gods of food cry out!
You tantalize and titillate my taste buds making my mouth sing out your praises. You deliver with every loving spoonful and I keep coming back for more. Because you can dish it out like nobody else.
Strangely, it seems that your brothers get all the credit in your family, while you and your sisters languish in obscurity. And I admit I've been unfaithful a time or two, and tried other sauces, but none compare to you. Your complexities keep me coming back and wanting more. I can't get enough of you. There are not enough bottles in the world to contain the infinity that is your goodness.
So Harrissa. I have one question for you. Will you marry me?
Kansas City, Kansas
Good morning Kevin,
My name is Shelly, I work here at Original Juan and I have to tell you that when I received your e-mail this morning I was just tickled. I’ve shared it with everyone here and asked that it be placed on our website ASAP. I would like to first say that your writing abilities are awesome and we thank you for being a royal customer of the Harrissa Hot Sauce. I see that you’re local so we extend an invitation for you to stop by our office at 111 Southwest Blvd., Kansas City, Kansas and introduce yourself. Since we can’t answer the question you posed to JUANITA HARRISSA PIG we would like to give you a free t-shirt that has her and her sisters on it. We hope to see you soon and on a personal note I truly hope for you that you’re working in a field that allows you to utilize you creative writing gift. Take care.
Original Juan Specialty Foods
Kansas City, Kansas 66103